Photo: Alexander Habesland"If we live long enough in this world, our hearts will be broken," said Marilyn Sewell. Maybe it's just as simple as that.
I watch a lot of documentaries, some weirder than others. Once I watched this documentary where Marilyn Sewell, a minister at the time, said these words. I'm not at all religious, but I like words. Words can make you snap back to reality, words can tell you that you're absolutely not the only one who's feeling what you're feeling. In this case: words can tell you you're not the first one who's had your heart broken. (And of course you already knew that, but it sure felt good with a reminder).
So here I was, my heart in a thousand pieces after what I'll call a semi-breakup. I'll call it that because, as most of us youngsters today, we didn't label what we had as a real relationship. Now, in almost-retrospect, I've realized that this particular guy and I probably didn't get into a relationship for many reasons, reasons that may be completely valid. BUT, the experience has raised some questions, and definitely confirmed that a few of us are no less than dead scared of commitment. But how is one supposed to get over a semi-breakup? What are the rules? Is it okay to be sad? The question is: How does one handle a semi-broken heart?
We've scrapped the labels a long time ago. The blurry lines between flirting, hanging out, just sleeping together, dating and being in a relationship are remaining blurry, and it doesn't seem like we're about to do anything with it. New times are coming, and I'm sure we'll find a no-system-system soon, but we're not quite there yet. The confusion can at times be overwhelming, like when this Mr. Semi-Ex of mine and I talked about how we label each other when talking to others.
"I say you're the guy I'm hanging out with," I said.
"I say you're a friend," he said.
A FRIEND? I was furious, but of course I pretended to be cool about it, since the rules probably are that you're not entitled to go mental on the friend/guy you're hanging out with. And the fact that I'm thinking that calling someone 'the guy I'm hanging out with' is one step above 'friend' on the affection-ladder is also favouring the need for a no-system-system.
I don't know if we've come to the point of no labeling because we want to avoid the real breakup, or in actual fear of the real relationship itself. Or is it that we just don't need the old fashioned one-to-one companionship any longer? Why would you put work into a real relationship, when you can hang out, get laid, date and even have almost-sincere conversations without doing any work?
I know my reasons. And it's first and foremost about trust. Yeah, trust. It's about knowing you really have someone, and knowing that they really want you. It's about being willing to do the work.
But what can you do when an unlabeled thing doesn't work out? Even though you've not been in a so-called real relationship, the sadness sure feels real enough. And the truth is that it's hard to end something properly when it never had a proper start. In my experience, these things never get a solid end. They just fade out, and if there are feelings involved, you need to let them fade as well. But it takes time. Man, does it take time. The band-aid isn't ripped off quickly so you can get started with the healing. No, it's slowly being pulled off, and eventually you'll have to do the final rip yourself.
So I guess, while I wait for the no-system-system to be in place, there's just one thing for me to do: Rip it off. Now.
